It's been a while since my last posting. somehow it's hard for me to put words on paper, even when i want to and have loads to say. This time of year is always bittersweet for me, it digs up all the emotions i try to hard to hide, yet it only shows to myself. It's still hidden, thank goodness. I can't do this. there's so much drama in my family life right now that i just want to disappear and hole away somwhere by myself and just think. just get away. just go and hide from all the problems that are set on my shoulders, but can't do anything about. I get confided in. that's who i am. i don't repeat, i don't gossip it, i just take it all in, and hold it in. Trying to let it go doesn't help, it builds up again. So many faces that i put on when meeting people, i'm scared i'll muck up somehow and lose it. things that can turn my family members on each other scares me. There's so much history in this family--bad history--that the foundations of it can be destroyed by only a delicate string of truths? no. more so like unbelief, denial, unwillingness to change, unwillingness to step up and be their own person, unwillingness to wake up from their own bubble, their tunnel vision of themselves and the world that they think should be right...

this sucks. it's the holidays, supposed to be HAPPY holidays at that, and i'm just about chewing the bit, checking myself to the point where my rope is frayed, it's at it's last thread. i want to go. just leave. but i can't. i'm tied down by these chains that are called family. and every link that is piled on is slowly dragging me to the ground. away from what and who i want to be.

i just want to go. somewhere fresh, somewhere that i thrive in. somewhere that i'm free to pursue what i want, and not be caught up in this...web of....denial, ignorance, cowardice...

and in a moment of uncharacteristicness, apologies beforehand for writing down my mind,

a word that sums up everything i'm feeling right now...

FUCK.