Pent up Frustration.
I feel the need to vent. However, you readers will probably not know what i'm venting about. Because i won't be writing anything about it.
It's funny when i think about all the times where i feel frustration, betrayal, anger, etc., and all i do is just keep it in. I don't show most of the emotions that i'm feeling most of the time. Some people tell me that i'm a really tolerant person. Can i really agree with that though?
What determines tolerance? Is it because one doesn't portray their emotions or voice out their opinions? It's really confusing sometimes. Last week's Nooma talked about forgiveness. When I feel that someone has wronged me or has made me angry or from having an argument that I was right or something, i usually stew about 20 mins, and i let it go.
I confuse myself sometimes. Forgiveness is when you pretty much not feel negative emotion to another person. Ok. so if i had an argument with my parents, i stew for mebbe more than 20 mins, and distance myself from them to cool down, and then the next day it's all ok again. What confluses me is that sometimes when i've thought i've forgotten some incident or whatever, something else triggers those feelings again. These feelings doesn't necessarily make me hate the person or whatever, or don't want to talk to those people, so then what are they?
As I'm sitting here writing about this, i think that what I'm feeling when i remember those memories is a feeling of betrayal. Betrayal of my mind on myself. Does this make sense? I don't know how to explain it. Maybe i'm just rambling. I don't know.
Usually, no one ever seems me angry. Never. I may vent and have excess energy, but no one has truly seen me blow up at someone and yell my head off. no one except my parents of course =p but who hasn't gotten into a fight with their parents?
All the time, i say to people that "you've never seen me angry, i only get really really angry and blow up about once or twice a year". Is this a good thing? The term i'm thinking in my head is catharsis. I don't think it really applies here, but whatever.
When i blow up, it's weird. I get So angry, so frustrated, so emotional. I scare myself sometimes. One blow up was triggered by me goign with my mom to get gas for the car. I'm always the one to get out and fill the tank, and usually when i come home from school, i usually find the tank empty etc. So there's this one time when i'm just like...mom, can you just do it this time. like..why do you always wait for someone else to do it? And she just went no...or something like that. (this is a LONG time ago)
NOTE:[it's happening again. thinking about this brings back memories and frustrations of things that has happened between me and my parents, about disappointments and whatnot. I know i've forgiven them, but is my soul still remembering this to spite me? Why is it when these feelings surface, I remember all the things that i felt they have failed me in? or just random stupid stuff?...]
back to the gas station. i think the spat was over the method of payment. I wanted to fill the whole tank up, but my mom only had 20 cash. so i told her to pay with credit, and she didnt' want to get out of the car for whatever reason. I just blew up. I do know why, won't tell you, and it scared me. Looking back, i was So stubborn. Perhaps it was the feeling of being pushed too many times, or the anger at being told what to do. I just lost it. details won't be told, but lets say that i had MASSIVE ROAD RAGE driving to get home.
frustration. it sucks. i'm frustrated writing this, because it's going so long and it has brought up some memories and issues that i have. I dont' like it. so maybe it isn't so good to hold things in, to be tolerant. Maybe venting and getting emotional is a good thing. It's like talking about it will help. But will i really change?
I'm defined as tolerant because i hold things in. Why do i do that? I probably just don't like to talk. TRUE. I rather listen. Also true. When it comes time for me to talk about personal things, i keep my mouth shut.
ah. i think i've got it now. i choose to tolerate people because if i voice my opinions, it means i have to open up to people. and the truth? THAT FREAKS ME OUT.
I feel the need to vent. However, you readers will probably not know what i'm venting about. Because i won't be writing anything about it.
It's funny when i think about all the times where i feel frustration, betrayal, anger, etc., and all i do is just keep it in. I don't show most of the emotions that i'm feeling most of the time. Some people tell me that i'm a really tolerant person. Can i really agree with that though?
What determines tolerance? Is it because one doesn't portray their emotions or voice out their opinions? It's really confusing sometimes. Last week's Nooma talked about forgiveness. When I feel that someone has wronged me or has made me angry or from having an argument that I was right or something, i usually stew about 20 mins, and i let it go.
I confuse myself sometimes. Forgiveness is when you pretty much not feel negative emotion to another person. Ok. so if i had an argument with my parents, i stew for mebbe more than 20 mins, and distance myself from them to cool down, and then the next day it's all ok again. What confluses me is that sometimes when i've thought i've forgotten some incident or whatever, something else triggers those feelings again. These feelings doesn't necessarily make me hate the person or whatever, or don't want to talk to those people, so then what are they?
As I'm sitting here writing about this, i think that what I'm feeling when i remember those memories is a feeling of betrayal. Betrayal of my mind on myself. Does this make sense? I don't know how to explain it. Maybe i'm just rambling. I don't know.
Usually, no one ever seems me angry. Never. I may vent and have excess energy, but no one has truly seen me blow up at someone and yell my head off. no one except my parents of course =p but who hasn't gotten into a fight with their parents?
All the time, i say to people that "you've never seen me angry, i only get really really angry and blow up about once or twice a year". Is this a good thing? The term i'm thinking in my head is catharsis. I don't think it really applies here, but whatever.
When i blow up, it's weird. I get So angry, so frustrated, so emotional. I scare myself sometimes. One blow up was triggered by me goign with my mom to get gas for the car. I'm always the one to get out and fill the tank, and usually when i come home from school, i usually find the tank empty etc. So there's this one time when i'm just like...mom, can you just do it this time. like..why do you always wait for someone else to do it? And she just went no...or something like that. (this is a LONG time ago)
NOTE:[it's happening again. thinking about this brings back memories and frustrations of things that has happened between me and my parents, about disappointments and whatnot. I know i've forgiven them, but is my soul still remembering this to spite me? Why is it when these feelings surface, I remember all the things that i felt they have failed me in? or just random stupid stuff?...]
back to the gas station. i think the spat was over the method of payment. I wanted to fill the whole tank up, but my mom only had 20 cash. so i told her to pay with credit, and she didnt' want to get out of the car for whatever reason. I just blew up. I do know why, won't tell you, and it scared me. Looking back, i was So stubborn. Perhaps it was the feeling of being pushed too many times, or the anger at being told what to do. I just lost it. details won't be told, but lets say that i had MASSIVE ROAD RAGE driving to get home.
frustration. it sucks. i'm frustrated writing this, because it's going so long and it has brought up some memories and issues that i have. I dont' like it. so maybe it isn't so good to hold things in, to be tolerant. Maybe venting and getting emotional is a good thing. It's like talking about it will help. But will i really change?
I'm defined as tolerant because i hold things in. Why do i do that? I probably just don't like to talk. TRUE. I rather listen. Also true. When it comes time for me to talk about personal things, i keep my mouth shut.
ah. i think i've got it now. i choose to tolerate people because if i voice my opinions, it means i have to open up to people. and the truth? THAT FREAKS ME OUT.
